Where to begin...

There is so much going on in my life right now and I really feel the need to write it down... so here goes.

Jon and I have had such an incredible journey on our path to becoming parents. We tried for 3 year to conceive, 3 rounds of IVF with more complicated processes than we could have ever imagined, all failed. And THEN, everything became so clear when our sweet little Oliver came to us through the wonderful gift of adoption. He made everything make so much sense. He makes me grateful that our attempts at IVF did not work because if they had, I would not have him, and he is my son. No other child was meant to be what he is to me. He's my everything. Wow I love him.

I have enjoyed being a Mom even more than I had ever thought I would. I knew I would love it, I knew I would love my kids, but this is just so much more than I was prepared for. I love being a Mommy to me sweet baby boy. Love it. He is so much fun, so full of life and joy and boyish mischief... hard as it is sometimes, I would never change it.

Ollie is now a little over 16 months old. He's not a baby anymore... I don't know when or how it happened?! My best friend Bevin just had her first baby. Little Cooper was born 3 weeks early just like Ollie, is 5 lbs, pretty close to what Ollie was, has dark hair and olive skin, just like Ollie. Holding him really threw me back. It was like someone smacked me in the face and said "hello!! Your baby is a TODDLER now!". So surreal.

Anyway, I wanted to share the story about the next chapter in our lives. It all started on a cold December day. Jon and I had decided we were FAR past due to go to the temple. So we made plans and decided to go on a Saturday afternoon. As they day progressed, little things went wrong and Jon and I both became really agitated. Neither of us felt like going anymore. I needed to get out of the house so I took off to the store. As I was driving I felt this overwhelming need to get to the temple. I thought I was just feeling guilty for not going, it made sense. But I just had NO desire to do it anymore. Plus we now didn't have a babysitter lined up, and it was already like 6:00pm. The last session starts at 8:00pm. How would I even do it? Find a sitter, convince Jon to go, get ready, and get there. There's no way. I ignored the feeling and went on my way. But it didn't go away. I felt like there was a spiritual war going on inside me, heavenly father on one side, desperately trying to get me to go... he needed to tell me something. And Satan on the other side, making everything go wrong to make me not want to go.

As I sat at the gas station, filling up our car, I began to cry. I knew what was going on, and I decided if Satan was working THIS hard to prevent me from going, then I was gonna dig my heals in and fight him. All the while wondering if I was just being emotional and making something of nothing. Still, I knew I HAD to go. I called my absolutely wonderful friend Elise, told her what was going on and she didn't even hesitate to watch Ollie on the weekend with NO notice. I love that girl.

So, I rushed back home, told Jon we really needed to get to the temple and to get ready. He was less than thrilled, as was I, but we got ready and off we went.

We dropped off Ollie and headed up to the Bountiful temple. My mind was racing all the way up. I told Jon a little bit of what I was feeling, and he didn't know quite what to think. He was still agitated, as was I. But we arrived on time and made it to our session. Of course it was lovely, it always is, but I was really anxious to go sit in the Celestial Room and have a talk with my father in heaven. Now, at this time, Jon and I were decided whether or not to build a house. We had a lot picked out, a plan made, and we were ready to go for it. I assumed heavenly father was going to guide us on this big decision. I began to pray... I talked with him about our situation and asked him whether this was the right thing to do... I heard nothing, felt nothing. I waited and waited and waited... and then... this is what I heard, not out loud of course, but in my heart, "It's not time to focus on building a house, it's time to focus on building a family." HUH?! Excuse me? I sat quietly for a long while thinking my mind was playing games, waiting for a different answer... nope. Really?!

This was so far away from what I was expecting to hear. I was not ready for another baby. Ollie was my baby, he was only 13 months old. And we were in NO WAY financially prepared for another baby. I was freaked out to say the least. Jon on the other hand, was pleasantly surprised. He was happy with the plan and was ready to go for it. Glad someone was. I really struggled with this decision but decided that my father in heaven would not put that thought into my mind with such force if it was not the right plan. So we decided to go ahead.

Now, as we all know, Jon and I cannot get pregnant on our own... IVF technology is not quite where we need it to be and so our options were in the "donor" category. We could use a donor embryo, or donor sperm. We had been thinking about these options for a while now, and both felt that using donor sperm was the right thing. I would have to undergo a lot of treatment to receive a donor embryo but using the sperm was a simple round of IUI. Much less invasive, much less expensive. After getting our little Oliver, DNA became very meaningless for us, so this seemed like the perfect option, so our donor search began. We searched for a couple of weeks, and found a great match. Same hair, eyes, skin, build, as Jon. His baby pictures looked so much like Jon is was a little scary... all thing for a reason if you ask me. Look at Oliver... he looks so much like Jon it's scary. We bought 3 vials. We were happy with our selection, and so it began.

Going into this I felt such an array of emotions. I was scared. Nervous. Scared. I just didn't feel ready for this yet, but I knew it would be ok and I assumed it would take several months for this to work if it did at all. As far as we knew my reproductive health was good, but you just never know. My cycles aren't always super regular either so I knew I would have a few months to get used to the idea.

We did our first IUI in late February and it didn't take. I was completely ok with this and it was completely expected. In mid March, Bevin had her baby. Like I said before, was looked so much like Oliver it sent me spinning. I loved little Cooper, he was for all intensive purposes, my nephew. And when I held him the first time, and I felt that love, something changed. I was ready now. There is nothing like a newborn and the sweet innocence and spirit they carry. I was ready to hold that again. I was surprised how profound of a change came over me.

As we went through the next IUI, I felt calm. I hoped it would work, but knew that it usually takes 3-6 attempts before IUI was successful, so I was ready for the outcome that would probably come. I took a test 2 weeks later, and again it was negative. I was a little sad. But again, this was what I expected. I just hoped that it would work the next round because it would be our last vile. Jon and I headed up the mountain for some snowboarding that day, and had a great day. So much needed fun together.

2 days later, I woke up in the morning and decided to take another test... no particular reason, just because. I did this many many times before, hoping that I had just received a false negative, always to the same answer... negative. I completed the dollar store pregnancy test, and watched it take effect (which you are not supposed to do). "Looks negative to me... wait.... wait... is that a line there?? No.... you are imagining." I must have tilted that test and squinted at it for a solid 5 minutes... it really did look like a faint, faint line. Perhaps the dollar store test is not the best way to determine this. Before Jon woke up, I ran to the store to get a better test. I bought a back of 2. One regular and one digital. It was the longest drive to and from the store ever... I was overcome with excitement, but knew that I needed to stay calm because this was probably not going to come out as I hoped. I got home, went straight to the bathroom, took the first test. Put it far away so I could not see it until the 3 minutes were up. I didn't want to look... I have seen that negative so many times I just couldn't bare to get this excited and see it again. But the time came...

POSITIVE!! Clear as a bell, POSITIVE!! I burst out laughing and crying. Could not believe what I was seeing. I quickly did the digital test... waited, and sure enough, another positive!! I have never felt anything quite like it. I was so overwhelmed with joy and shock and AWE that my heavenly father had given me this gift. I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't wait to tell Jon... but didn't know how. I set the tests down on the kitchen table and went upstairs. Jon was just about ready to leave for work, but he hadn't noticed that I had left. Perfect. He came downstairs and I told him I had to show him something... I took him over to the tests, he stared, looked really confused, then started smiling... "Tracy????" he said. And I just started to laugh and cry as I said over and over, "I'm pregnant!!"

He hugged me so tight... Jon does this kind of hug on special occasions. He hugs me so tight, and even when I try to let go, he doesn't. He just squeezes me tighter. I love that :) We were like giddy kids in a candy store.

Jon went to work late that day. He just couldn't leave. We were so thrilled. Could NOT believe this was happening... and SO soon!! Get ready... here we go!